I know, for my own safety and the safety of my co-workers, that I am not allowed to talk about anything political on my blog. That's been really hard as I've been writing this, but I have something I need to get off of my chest. I think I can manage to be pretty ambiguous, but we'll see.
I work all week and my weekends are designated for adventures and sightseeing. Stuff that everyone else gets to see while they visit, but that I don't get to see during the week because I'm working. I look forward to these weekends. They are my break from heavy stuff all week. Well, this weekend was up in the air, so I asked around the group that I go on adventures with to see what they wanted to do. One person sent a suggestion and it's just weighing on me a little.
There are MANY cities, towns, and Bedouins that have had their water completely cut off. Their crops die, their animals die, and they have 1/3 of the water that their neighbors (who legally shouldn't be there) have. I've been asked to join a group of people to go down with trucks and deliver some water.
This is a really cool opportunity. I realize this. I acknowledge this. But the other half of me just doesn't know if I can handle seeing this horrible stuff. I hear the most atrocious stories all week. My heart is heavy all of the time. I know that so many people (most of the people I'm in community with), get revved up when stuff like this comes along. They are ready to drop everything and run. Please don't get me wrong. I want to help! That's what I came here for. But I just don't know if I can handle very much more sadness and depression added on to the weight that I carry with me all week anyway. The injustice and unfairness is staggering. Most nights I either stare at a wall imagining that it MUST be made up or I cry.
I don't know what I'm going to do. I just needed to get that off of my chest.
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I think you are completely justified in those feelings. It can totally get to a place that is overwhelming, and feeling that isn't helping anyone. I think it is important to protect yourself from getting burnt out, and likely that means keeping your weekends for yourself to do things you find fun and enjoyable.
ReplyDeleteYou are human. It's OK to embrace that. That's why we love you.
ReplyDeleteDear One,
ReplyDeleteI agree with Eric. Please take time and process what happens during the week then let it go the best you can. Each and every day in Africa was filled with difficult and sometimes threatening situations. That is why we did "European" things at night and on weekends. The stories we now tell with lots of humor were usually the most horrific at the time. Take time to relax and read. What happens where you are is not going to go away even if you help out this weekend or not.
It sounds like it's time to break out the harmonica and spend the weekend learning to play. Or draw some outfits for your dog.
ReplyDeleteBut you need to do what's in your heart. You are experiencing a lot in a very short time and sometimes you need to have some time to refresh. If you're sad and overwhelmed all the time, what help are you?
Thanks everyone. This is really helpful. I just felt so guilty for not feeling like I wanted to do this. The thought of fight checkpoints, occupants, and just seeing MORE stuff that is SO unfair just....hurts.
ReplyDeleteSomehow I missed that you had a blog - so cool! I've enjoyed your updates...thanks for them.
ReplyDeleteI'm praying for your sweet, burdened heart. My instinct is to say, "go" as I know you know and will see the only grace and peace that exists in all of this.
I've been listening to the newest CD by Christian artist David Crowder Band (don't usually listen to Christian music, but he's a friend and makes good stuff). Anyway, my favorite song right now is "Oh happiness:"
Oh Happiness
There is grace,
Enough for us,
And the whole human race.
Sound the church bells,
Let ‘em ring,
Let ‘em ring,
For everything
Can redeemed,
We can be redeemed
Oh all of us.
Praying for you on your journey.
Much love,
Natalie Aho
(PS we had to be in Tyler this past weekend for Jed's sister's wedding and I kept expecting to see you. Chris and I joked that we should warn the guests not to sit next to us at the rehearsal unless they wanted to end up in Jerusalem in two years. ha)
Sweetie!
ReplyDeleteDon't rough yourself up! YOu are doing great work there. God gave you a tender heart -- one of the many things I love about you! You need to take care of that heart so that you can keep serving others in the special way that only you can! Do your best. Stop when you need to stop.
Love and prayers,
Maria
P.S. Some of the quilts my Mom and her church ladies make end up at your hospital! She was so geeked to make the connection between you and their quilting.
P.P.S. You may get hop ons.
Stephanie, I so appreciate your honesty here. We've all been reflecting upon your dilemma today. God will lead you and walk with you every step of the way. And we all are with you in spirit, my dear friend.
ReplyDeletePastor Mary Brown
We will continue to pray for wisdom and protection as you travel through this strange and different land. As I read your blog I am drawn to the Psalms as David flees from his enemies and praises God for his protection. Perhaps God is giving you a heart for these people but also to protect your heart. We were spiritually attacked while we were in India those many years ago. Uncle Karl dealt with depression because he was not prepared to see the poverty and then go back to the US to see all the riches we have in the United States. Be careful with your heart but also pray for the wisdom from the Holy Spirit to guide you on your journey. We love you very much and care about you. We will put you on our church prayer list for your countenance to be uplifted in this wounderful yet desolate land. We are certainly all sinners yet our Lord God loves us with a mighty and wounderful love to give us peace and joy in the midst of desolation.
ReplyDeleteLove you,
Aunt Nancy and Uncle Karl
I can't everyone enough for being so loving and supportive with this post. This one was a really hard one to write, b/c I REALLY thought that people would think that I wasn't being a good person. It managed to work itself out. My boss said that he preferred that we not go. Along with a multitude of other things, these protests (that happen weekly) have a tendency to end in arrests and tear gas. And since he didn't know anyone personally that would be there to take care of us, he told us that there were other ways that we could help. I thank you so much for all of your love and support!
ReplyDelete